The Sometimes Darker Side of Wally’s Pond…

As much as I like to visit that little piece of usual heaven which is my very own mental pond, sometimes while there thoughts come uncalled for; thoughts which bring back from hidden little corners those memories which had been hitherto banished for eternity. Well, eternity as may be defined by our mortal and very imperfect minds. Which is a lot shorter than the other one.

I sat there, quietly perusing many memories. Maybe trying to, from an amalgam of words and ideas, pick something which could be transformed into a blog entry; an entry which could be light a little funny (maybe) and easy on the eyes and the thinking process.

But, as things tend to go, when you least expect it…

The clouds rolled in and then away… behind them, came thoughts that had been purged from my mind. Or so I thought. In other entries past I glanced over my time in the army while overseas, trying to look at the better moments. Those were years which most of us who served in the armed forces chose to put mentally aside in the pursuit of a post Viet Nam life. I did not go to Viet-Nam; those who did gave all: body, care, thoughts, families and in many cases, the future stability of their own minds. I am not going to argue about right or wrong; or whether this, like many other wars, was created to pursue the interests of those who were in power at the time. Political and financial power.

I was stationed at Naha Wheel in Okinawa, probably the closest point to VN and the outlet for many of those who were lucky enough to make it and start the long, difficult and painful way back home. While in Okinawa, I drove a deuce and a half and went to the port on a regular basis to pick up used or discarded war ordinance (material/equipment) and bring it back to the warehouse, where it would be processed to its end, whatever that might be.

Those things, after delivery, I did not see again. Often they were not pretty sights, bloody remnants of a war without fronts where anyone could be a mortal enemy. Men, women, children, young, old.

Not so easy to make the human by-product disappear. My memories of those days and nights reminded me. The cries in the middle of the night; cries that came to someone’s lips while in the midst of a surreal dream, most likely reliving moments which would rather be forgotten. Someone waking up with a sudden start and dropping to the floor, looking to any one next to him as you would look at someone who wanted to kill you. The nights when we had to physically restrain a child who too early turned an old man and just coming back from the war zone, until we could make him realize he was amongst friends. The pain, the angst, the wasted lives. The feeling of total frustration and desperate want to help, and not being able to.

Yes, many memories came back. And I know mine are far from the worst. I can’t even begin to imagine the memories of those who at 18 or 19 years of age were in the middle of a fight no one seemed to support. Sometimes we would talk. It was not easy for me to listen and much more difficult for them to speak about their days and nights in the jungle. I laid in bed many nights, totally awake. I could only imagine what this generation was going through. Not knowing that perhaps the worst was yet to come for many, as they came home to a society which looked upon returning soldiers as not wanted killers. Today, after so many years, sometimes I still think about this when I wake up in the middle of the night.

War is real. You kill, you die. You bleed, you hurt. Then, when you manage to survive physically your mind may not. War is not, as some children may think today, a virtual TV game. Which you turn on and off.

Wally’s Pond. Sometimes the memories can be dark. But they are a part of who I am and will not be denied.

Be Well … Be Back!!!

Final Notes:

·       Pray for those who are fighting an illness which may take them away from their loved ones… Every request is heard, and counts!!

·       Follow us on Twitter … @RJAsPandora

·       Any comments please send to rjalcazar@gmail.com

That Lost Week Between the Beginning and the End.

 Well… It really is not as dramatic as the title might suggest. I am talking about that kind-of-lost string of days between Christmas and New Year’s Day. Everything and everyone moves along at a snail pace. In some cases, due to an overabundance of cheers on Christmas Eve and Christmas day and, at other times, because it just seems that every-body we see is simply plodding on at a slower pace than usual.

We had a quiet Christmas this year. This was in part to make up for a Thanksgiving when there were some19 revelers adding to the noise and subtracting from the food and drink to be had. And the other part? Well, many of those said revelers came from out of town and it costs money to do this. Too close to part with the money it implies to come out again. Even if to revel with “free” food and drinks. And, frankly, we were a little tired of all the reveling as well. So, we ordered take out from a local restaurant, to be followed by treats and a movie. At home. For those who may know us, if I said that my wife was in charge of choosing the movie, you’d say “Mary Poppins”!! Guess what… You’d be right on. It was fun.

So, what is to be done in these few days? The budget is not very stretchable and neither are those pesky things we must pay in order to continue our day to day lives. It becomes a quiet corner of the year, allowing a brief catch up before exploding again in New Year fireworks. A time to review and to auto comment or question what was and what was not. Also, a time to renew the vows to go to the gym at least 4 days per week. I did and my body hurts in most of its parts. Years ago, to exercise was just a fun event… to show how far we could go before crying uncle! Today, exercising is a necessary evil that shows us just how far we have come along in years. And how our mind is willing but the body complains. Loudly.

New Year’s Eve is just a couple of nights away; we are heading into a year which, if nothing else, is going to mark some history book pages. Hopefully, for the better. Our country is not in the best of shape, either financially or socially. We need to soul search, tighten some belts and loosen some attitudes. If our man/woman did not win, won’t be the first time. We go on as citizens, keep working and do our best to move our country forward. Or, at least, that used to be the way. On this go ‘round, it seems that those who supported the candidate who lost are doing their utmost to unhinge the process, and to stop the incoming, elected president. In the end, it won’t happen but along the way we all suffer. 

We will go on and do some exercising along the way, try to re-do things we did wrong, trod those new byways we ignored in the past and look up and forward. When your mind can imagine and visualize what you truly choose to desire, your life will follow and make a reality of it.

Have a Happy New Year’s Day and, why not? A Happy all year long… Remember:

         "I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright…

         I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more…

         I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive...

        I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much                         bigger…

         I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting…

         I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess...

         I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye."

Be Well … Be Back!!!

Final Notes:

·       Pray for those who are fighting an illness which may take them away from their loved ones… Every request is heard, and counts!!

·       Follow us on Twitter … @RJAsPandora

·       Any comments please send to rjalcazar@gmail.com

From Wally’s Pond

          Today I sit here just to pass the time and try my luck at actually writing what I hope can morph into a blog entry. Since it is my commitment (to self, anyway) to begin again to write at least one entry per week, I guess this exercise is in anticipation of next week’s delivery. Perhaps a meandering exercise while later getting into more defined topics.

          Wally’s Pond is a mental… oops, that’s a dated term… a virtual place where I can retreat to think and to just let my imagination fly. I am noticing, however, and with a degree of concern that my imagination’s take off and flight is more cumbersome than it may have been some time ago. Like everything else in life, it may be due to a lack of practice since, for reasons primarily beyond my immediate control, my time has not allowed me to do this writing exercise, which I truly enjoy doing.

          Occasionally, I check the stats on the blog and find, to my surprise, that there are folk who do come in to read some of the entries. And do so on a regular basis. From different countries, some where I can guess at possibly who he/she can be and others where I have never been, nor do I know anyone. In France, there is a dear friend with whom I have had no contact for a while. Maybe he is coming in to read. And thus, keep a virtual contact going.

          While I have not been writing zealously, there is one project where some of my limited time has been utilized. A Compendium. A friend who has read many of the entries since the beginning, suggested that a compendium with entries chosen by me be put together. Some in sequence, others individually. And perhaps it could be published; either in real hard format or on a virtual basis. It sounded interesting and some of my time has been put into this effort.

          While at Wally’s Pond (Ok… to me, it’s a real place…) there are some topics not allowed to sneak in. Like current events, for example. I am supposed to come here to relax, not to get mad or frustrated. So, I wax poetic about places, people and relationships and not about politics, which is a losing proposition. People and places are much more inviting, since these thoughts usually revolve around memories (good ones mostly) or about what can or could be.

          Today, one of the thoughts that came in unbounded, brought me back to one of my all-time favorite summer haunts, Cape Cod MA, and Province-town. Many years have passed since my last visit and probably the panorama has changed accordingly, but one among many favorite places back then, was  a little shanty off the main P-town pier where one could go and buy freshly caught clams, deep fried to a golden hue, along with a cone filled with french fries and a cold beer… then go sit at the pier and dangle collective feet in the water while eating these delicacies. Pure Heaven on Earth!!! Bicycles, walking the dunes, good food, great weather, relaxing times. Hmm… just thinking about it brought my BP and cholesterol down, I’m sure…

Another time, another life, another place…

Be Well … Be Back!!!

Final Notes:

·       Pray for those who are fighting an illness which may take them away from their loved ones… Every request is heard, and counts!!

·       Follow us on Twitter … @RJAsPandora

·       Any comments please send to rjalcazar@gmail.com

And Now… Where?

No, I am not talking about the political panorama, though this would certainly give much to comment on.

It has been now some 3 months since the magical (really??) threshold of Gulp!!! 70 was reached, breached, and pushed aside. Well I do believe it is magical for, in today’s environment, they (whoever “they” are) say that 70 is the new fifty. Nifty. (well, that last one gave me away!!)

When I was young eons ago, those who were over 65 were considered venerable folk, worthy of befriending and listening. Well, for politeness sake if nothing else… What I do remember is they tended to be paunchy, with less hair (well, got me on that one!), unable to do much more than walk around, talk about “good ol’ times” and go to a friendly get together, or two, of similar folks. And yes, I do enjoy looking back to earlier years of my life (how else could I have completed these 400 entries?) to reminisce but certainly not to live there.

Today, at age 70 one is wont to have as many plans and dreams as one had in his (OK, her too)20s, 30s, etc. Yes, the eyes are a little more jaundiced and the ears tend to discern more of the useless dribble than they did then but, it’s OK to dream and to look ahead. I know I do. And refuse to stop doing so. I work and probably will until the day I die. Maybe not at the same thing, but will be doing something (hopefully constructive…). Yes, my work schedule intentionally gives me more time to look around and to smell the flowers, as it were. Even to sometimes sit at this here computer and still put out some of this… whatever… I won’t work 24/7 because some of that time is my time and will use it accordingly. As willing and eager as I am to consider the future, it must be also coldly recognized I am a lot closer to the end of the road than I am to the beginning. 

Truth in advertising!!

There are many things I still want to do; many doors to open and explore, and some others to close. Roads which haven’t been traveled, and ports where I would like to bring this ship into. Is it a bucket list? No, not really. It is more like a bucket where I drop a little pebble for each thing I actually get to do. Admittedly it is well over half full and that, by itself, is not a bad report to give.

Oh, I will continue to write. These little “gems” have not been very forthcoming lately, but will begin to show up again with a little more regularity. There are some out there who actually read these entries. Some faithful friends and others who, by happenstance, fall into this blog in their search for something to read. To them I also say thanks.

Till next one!!!

Be Well … Be Back!!!

Final Notes:

·       Pray for those who are fighting an illness which may take them away from their loved ones… Every request is heard, and counts!!

·       Follow us on Twitter … @RJAsPandora

·       Any comments please send to rjalcazar@gmail.com

On Being 70… and All That Jazz!!

Along the byways of this life the years pass, sometimes without much ado; other times there is a splash of some sort…

Just yesterday I was worried about what was I going to do about my hair and ho to comb it for the prom… today, well, let’s just say that hair is not my most pressing issue. In fact, its relative absence from the top makes it easier when it comes to just pushing it back…

Life is worth celebrating. Life is worth living. Yes, there are moments when these concepts or if you will, feelings, are put to a harsh test but in the end, they do, like the mythical Phoenix, manage to be reborn and help you face whatever comes your way. Well, almost any “whatever”…

Sometime ago, a friend of mine who has been following the blog for a number of years (actually, since it began some 6 years ago…) said to me… “why don’t you do a compendium of a chosen number of entries and put it together into a manuscript or, perhaps even a book?”

I have to say that the idea sounded a bit farfetched to me. Yes, we have gone well over the 12,000 hit mark, much more than I ever anticipated and, interestingly, these reads have come from 12-14 different countries along the way. I realize these numbers are relatively small in the overall scheme, but I really began this as an exercise for a few friends and eventually, a compendium of memories to leave for my children. Never anticipating having readers in almost the 4 corners of the world.

Well, I sort of took this advice and began to create a compendium. It has not been easy and the available time has not cooperated. How do I choose which ones of so many “gems” to keep and which to leave out? I am still working at it, although getting very close to completion. What will happen after this completion, I have no idea.

I guess you can say I am celebrating my 70^th birthday by looking back at some of these years through what I have written and, in this manner, minimize the mistakes I may be making over the next cycle in my life; worry not, these times to come will not be mistake-free… that would make them into a very boring cycle.

I will continue to write, for you, for me, for those who will come later and may want to glimpse into someone else’s life… every day is a new memory to be added and it is truly hoped there will be many more yet. Sort of like a “second compendium”.

To those who have read and followed, thanks for hanging in there, even in the times of total draught.

And by the way… Happy 70 (or thereabouts) to all my friends who are in this rarefied neighborhood.

Be Well … Be Back!!!

Final Notes:

·       Pray for those who are fighting an illness which may take them away from their loved ones… Every request is heard, and counts!!

·       Follow us on Twitter … @RJAsPandora

·       Any comments please send to rjalcazar@gmail.com

Goodbyes and Balances…

This is a longer entry than usual. I debated (a short debate) whether to break it into two entries or not and the "not" won out. Maybe I just wanted to "get it over with" since it was not easy to put on paper... 

One morning, not long ago, started with some news I had been afraid would come at almost any time.

As I was getting ready to leave for my first morning class, the phone rang. I saw the name of my sister in law on the screen and, at this early time of the morning, the thought of some negative news immediately came to mind. Her voice was a little shaken when she said

 –“Rafo”, “your mom passed away last night”.

I saw her last some 34 years ago, when she was given the opportunity to come and visit us (my sister and I), after 20 years of not seeing each other. This is the very high price paid by all who leave their homeland searching for a better tomorrow or because, simply, there is no choice. It often means the past is left behind, to be retained only as a memory expected to create the background and basis for that “better future”.

Random memories came to my mind for several days. They have, as I sit here and revisit them, helped me weather the moment. It was not unexpected; in fact, the last pictures I saw of my mother -already at age 93 and suffering from advanced stage Alzheimer’s, showed me a physically diminished woman I had known to be strong and full of fight, but now at the end of a long and not too easy life.

My mother, as well as her sisters and mother, came from fighting stock. None of them would give up easily when a goal was set and visualized. I wish I had inherited more of this but it seems that it is not only a gene pool issue, but it comes also as part the makeup of upbringing. Here is where I lost out when my family was left behind at a relatively early age of 15. I understand circumstances made it so that there could be no delays but I also understand that I, like many others in similar positions and of similar age, were deprived of a very important learning period in our lives. The final family-led formative years of our growing process into young men and women.

(continued)…  It’s now been a few days since the start of this entry. It’s tackling an emotional issue which has many undertones, without being sure which of those are honest and which are veneer.

To say we had a very close mother-son relationship would be brushing on a coat of whitewashing. I was brought up by my grandparents while my mom was working and trying to bring her life back into the “right rails”. We lived in a traditional society where single working moms were not appreciated and she wanted to have a second chance at having a traditional home. A lot of her time and emotional efforts went into that. I remember moments when we (my sister and I) wished some of that emotional involvement came our way.

Unfortunately, as life developed, we didn’t have the time that perhaps she thought we would have downline. We were separated by external issues stronger than us as individuals and as a family, and were sent off to live in parallel universes, as it were. Not to touch, see or hug each other again, save for a very brief period in the summer of 1983 when she was allowed to come to the US and visit. My own personal issues precluded my being able to visit there once the ironclad restrictions (especially the ones that applied to those of us who had left Cuba in the early stages of the Castro Govt) began to relax a bit in the mid 90’s.

Now she is gone. I don’t think she suffered physically, for she was in good caring hands. But I do think that emotional distress was doled out and handled -as well as she could- over a lifetime. Through her actions more than her words, I had a glimpse of what life was like in Cuba in the mid 80’s, during our interactions when she had a chance to come and spend a few weeks here.

At the beginning of her stay, If we went to a restaurant she would never finish her dish, saying “but… we have to save some for the next meal, no?” “What are we going to eat next?”. At another occasion, when entering a supermarket in the US for the first time, she quietly began to cry. When I asked her if she was alright, she just looked around and said: “don’t worry, I’m OK” “I cry not for me, for I had all this growing up; I cry for your brothers who have never seen such wealth of food in one place” “They don’t know what an apple is, or what it is to have so many choices of food”.

At another time, in our living room, we were talking about the situation in Cuba and she was -hesitantly at first- telling us about all the negative issues everyone had to face on a daily basis. Suddenly, in mid-sentence, she stopped cold and looked around. “Disculpa m’hijo” “Sorry son”, “A bad habit we have; we need to make sure nobody is listening, because there are gov’t ears everywhere” These reactions could tell me more than anything she could have said. A grim picture of what had been not a problem free, but well developed and relatively easy going, middle class oriented society.

She spent time with us, then went to stay with my sister in NYC and afterwards, spent some time with childhood friends on the west coast before going back to Cuba. She chose to go back for her husband was still alive and she also felt her children and grandchildren in Cuba needed her presence more than we did here. Perhaps so. My sister had a chance to go visit in Cuba in the mid 90’s but for me, her visit was the only time I saw her again.

All the what-if’s one could ask would not really give a satisfactory answer to the Why? Questions. There are no answers. As we navigate the often-times rough waters of our lives, we begin to understand that. Even in this understanding, we should never cease to entertain hat question Why? For in looking for an ever elusive answer, we begin to accept that we don’t know, And this, is as true an answer as we will ever get.

Be well Mami; be at peace and, hopefully your spirit will be -in whatever realm it may now exist- in the company of those who were your kindred in this life. My love to you and my gratitude for the not then understood sacrifices you made on our behalf and on behalf of a future we had not seen yet.

Be Well … Be Back!!!

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE... revisited

NOTE:  While in the process of doing a compilation of selected blog entries for possible publication, I came across this one which definitely is one of the chosen ones. Came to me from a dear friend almost 2-3 years ago and I thought  it was good enough to republish. Read and think.

A couple of days ago, there was an entry was titled.. “Life isn’t Fair” and a dear old friend who actually takes the time to read and comment, sent me these…

1.Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

3. Follow the three R’s:

          - Respect for self,

          - Respect for others and

          - Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful        stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.

7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to             correct it.

8. Spend some time alone every day.

9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,  you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle with the earth.

16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

19. If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.

20. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.

After reading these there is little I can add, except that with the best of intentions and the best of trying, there is always that bit if happenstance, that bit of not looked for luck or encounter. As another dearest friend also reminded me after reading… there can be unexpected encounters at any given flower shop in the springtime…

Be Well … Be Back!!!