What is the line
between persistence and obstinacy? Looking back, I am not sure I am entitled to
answer that question.
After many years
of pursuing what may be thought of as an impossible dream, the reality of all
that has and has not been done in the course of this process is coming home to
roost. At this time of my life, after 54 years of almost non-stop work, there
should be rewards accumulated along the way, a means to relax a bit and enjoy
the time that is left, alongside those who have stood by me all this time. At least,
in most fiction books that would be the ending of the last chapter of most stories
like this one.
There have been
many times on this twisted road when giving up, when looking elsewhere away
from this madness would have been not only the right thing to do, but totally
and completely justified. The expressed reasons for not doing this were varied
…
·
“The next
deal would sure be the one”. This reason should be rated as the dumbest one.
·
“We need just one good deal in order to recover
what has been lost, there is no other way of doing it”. Slightly less foolish,
a little closer to a weighed truth.
Last, but not
least, and perhaps one that may have been an honest concern, was the fact that
there had been people who had believed in us and had helped get this
undertaking off the ground. I felt morally obligated to do whatever was
possible within my abilities and means to at least make them whole. And I say
“morally”, because in undertakings where money is concerned there is never an absolute guarantee, especially when there are several parties who are responsible for
the results. And when outside and totally unrelated and uncontrollable issues
and forces can have a major impact on the proceedings and the potential end,
there is an even lesser guarantee.
Perhaps I looked
at it wrongly; with a somewhat eschewed point of view. But my feeling and
thinking was that I couldn’t just give up, even though my life was being eaten
away with all these undertakings, constant pressure, innumerable deceits and dead
ends … I could not accept that several
years of very hard, difficult and costly work were destined to end in failure.
There were many twists,
many turns and many soul-searching moments. There were times of hunger with
very little to eat, of cold nights without a bed to sleep in; of having to use
my mind and my imagination to downplay the reality around me, in order to
survive until the next day. I could not be helped from home, for those who were
home were the ones who were looking to be helped by me, in order to
continue to be. There was little, if any to be shared.
In the end, it
took a greater power than I to make me stop. I was back in Miami by then,
thanks to a friend I hope to truly repay someday. And was doing what I know how to do
well… selling life insurance. Yes, even then I was still fielding phone calls
from those who had remained in Europe and were just a few hours from the next
grand deal. Most of these I put aside. The few that were listened to were from a couple of close friends with whom I had shared times of want; they deserved to be
heard. After all, there are rules in this “brotherhood".
There was the
cancer, along with the two hip implants. The last two I had been pushing back
for several years. The former? That seemed to come from nowhere. Eventually,
the doctor who treated me told me that the constant stress and pressure had a
good deal to do with its being set off. It took this one-two punch to get me
off the Holy Grail pursuit. After some 4 years of treatments, surgeries and
rehab times, I continued my work in the area I had placed my efforts into when
I came to North Carolina: to teach ESL to many whose lives I could touch in a
positive manner.
Today I continue
to teach English as a Second Language (ESL), now through my own services, and I
also continue to talk with two of those friends of many years and travails. But
now, instead of a roaring all-consuming fire of commitment and pursuit at all
costs, there is a candle lit with the more reasonable fire of directed effort
and hope.
Persistency?
Obstinacy? In the end, no matter what you try to accomplish in life, there must
be parts of those two components. Sometimes equal parts, sometimes very unequal
parts. Along with a sprinkle of several other “spices” thrown into the mix.
Persistency,
being the more reasonable partner in this undertaking, will tell you that
although this -whatever it is- can be done, it is a very difficult chore and
road to travel. Better think twice and set a limit to what you will do without
results.
Obstinacy? This
one, having no limits, will tell you that the road is passable and the deed doable; that if you are
truly committed and convinced, you can’t give up. That you must continue and
attack every possible barrier as if it was the last thing you’d do in this life.
And true to demanding form, for several people I have met along this road, this
has been exactly the case.
And, yes… choosing
to follow this latter road, the costs will invariably become extremely high,
even unmanageable.
Is there a
negotiable middle between the two? I still don’t know.
Be
Well … Be Back!!!
Final Notes:
· Pray
for those who are
fighting an illness which may take them away from their loved ones… Every
request is heard, and counts!!
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