An Indifferent Stare...

Most times, when the usual face to face stare contest begins between my empty computer screen and I, it is a contest of my will to get in and do some writing vs. its intimidating, non-blinking, very indifferent stare… just daring me to.

It is perhaps this last the most unnerving; how could you not care even a little bit? I ask… no, better yet, plead with this one, square (well, rectangular) eyed monster… How could you sit there and, well… just stare at me? I swear I even hear a snicker by way of an answer. Perhaps it is because staring is what it does best; it definitely will not be the first to blink or look away…

Well… I will once again ignore this disrespect and disdain, and try to get down to the nitty-gritty of today’s entry, except… I am not sure what this is… so, let’s go to the bag of tricks and pull out a rabbit by the ears.

There were a few comments on yesterday’s post. A couple actually came from the UK, where a small but hardy group checks in and reads the posts every once in a while; thanks for the interest and thanks for your comments and questions. These last were strikingly similar and, actually, they expressed a general concern that I would not, after my experiences, be coming back to London any time soon.

Not at all. In fact, despite the shortcomings of my stay (and there were many, as you could gleam from the entry yesterday) I came to, perhaps, view and get to know and understand the city and its people better than what being a regular tourist would have allowed me to do. No pictures for me, just actual living tableaus. Not only did I visit the main, better known areas of the city, but also spent time in some of the more fringe areas (not too far fringe, you understand) where the food was cheaper and the characters were truly those who make up the core of any city. I liked London; the people who were willing to share their time and stories as well as those who were not, the history that can almost be felt and breathed, the buildings… the interminable parade of street performers who earned a basic living by making our own living a little easier to manage for, at least, a short while. And those places that gave me refuge both, physical and spiritual, in moments of near despair can’t be ever forgotten. My future plans most definitely include a return trip… in better circumstances, to be sure. I hope this answers any concerns about my feelings for the fair city of London.

Have you ever felt lonely? Someone else, this time from France, asks… Of course I have at times; no one is exempted from living through some of these moments in his/her lifetime. What I can add to this answer is that at no time would, or will, I permit these feelings to go unchecked and thus be allowed to permeate my mind and heart. When this happens, it then becomes much more difficult to control and manage the resulting “being-in-the-dumps” and “quickly-heading-into-a-depression” feelings. This is, very definitely, a prospect which manages to scare most people; I have met my share of friends who are so afraid to go home to an empty house, that they will do all they can to stay away. Often, just managing to make it home and into bed after some serious drinking. Honestly, this is a waste of a life, but many prefer it to facing their “inner demons” which may stare back from that image in the mirror; that which is called a window to the true heart and soul. We can lie to others but to ourselves, when staring right into our own eyes and knowing what has gone on before in our lives…? This is extremely difficult to do; this “looking glass” image becomes an unforgiving and implacable task master.

The story of Dr. Shatiff has received quite a number of “reads”. Those days in Switzerland, Austria, Germany, France, Portugal… England and Spain and several other stops along the way, were indeed a school. Especially in how not to pursue that which you do not know to be true or not; difficult is not nearly a strong enough word to describe some of the moments lived along those times, moments that spilled into the following years as fallout from those endeavors. The characters (and this word is used not in contempt) I met are enough to fill a couple of books; most definitely to fill several of these posts… some will get here in due time.

It is almost tragicomic how in the midst of what is a fairly tranquil, picture post card environment such as Zurich usually is, there was (and is) this pocket of feverish activity, of palpable desperation, of people who subsisted on stories and, more often than not, on plain lies born of the need to survive one more day.  Because if a new morning could be reached, on that new morrow the miracle might just happen and the Holy Grail could be found after all. Still today, notes come in once in a while from some of these folks, asking whether or not I am still “in the game”. To most, I regretfully say no; the actual answer is yes, but from a totally different vantage point which would be of no use to them; while their lot has been to have remained in the fight trenches life, in its interminable and often surprising cycles, has brought me into close contact with a couple of the very few who actually move these businesses. The learning curve has been costly (in economic as well as human terms), never ending, steep and cruel; it does not forgive. As we go on with these entries more of these "adventures" may well find their way here.

Writing these posts is truly enjoyed and helpful... to me. Most of these entries are memories of my life at various points and places and the others, those which express opinions are, in fact, based on my thoughts, experiences and feelings which have been developed along these points and places… so they are also a part of my life and my self.

Today was going to be a blank day… but I do check the “dashboard” every morning and this tells me where and how many people have checked in; also, whatever comments have been sent can be reviewed. So, this was not an off day after all. My thanks to you who take the time to read; also to those of you who comment; your effort is truly appreciated. Pass this site on to friends who may enjoy it; as it is said: “In for a penny, in for a pound…” Become a follower through Google talk, it’s easy and you can do it from the blog page itself.

Be Well… Be Back!!!