Pandora's Other Box: Te Veo Venir, Soledad…

The above title is a line from a Latin song; it says: “I see you coming, loneliness”… a truly sad, yet beautiful song which talks about someone who is ready and waiting for loneliness to come into his (could just as easily be, her) life and, slowly take him into her arms, closing off the rest of the world. You see, Her Majesty, Loneliness, is a very jealous mistress.

Why this has popped into my mind today, now, as I sit in front of this blank computer “page”, I really am not too sure. Perhaps because I am here alone and this particular song started to play in the background, conjuring up several mental images. The concept of loneliness is somewhat alien to me, yet it keeps cropping up from many different quarters, especially as life goes on and those I meet are, more often than not, of the “third” age. Seems there is a generalized fear of this aspect of life: loneliness. Not to be confused with being alone, as many actually do interchange these life states as if they were one and the same. They are not.

In those times during which my wandering life has taken me to a number of places, more than I ever thought possible, many more people than I could humanly remember have crossed my path. Most of these have been people who simply ran in and out of the picture, as it were. We all have our memories polluted with these types of encounters. And I say polluted, not because they were bad or negative (well, most were not) people, but simply because the space they occupy in my mind and memory banks takes that which might otherwise be better used.

Sometimes alone in the midst of a crowd

What is loneliness? What brings it about and metamorphoses it into this monster we are all so afraid of? Over the years I have become, of necessity, a jack (some would gladly add “ass” to the end of that word) of all trades; especially in the area of dealing with people, since this is what I have mostly done. However, this makes me not a Master of any trade in particular. Just one more of those who has a somewhat (in)formed opinion in most matters, but never to be thought to have the last word; you assume so at your own peril.

So, being thus “caveated” (those words just keep coming!) we now go on. We are often alone in life, even when surrounded by other people. There are, by choice, moments when being alone is extremely important, just to be able to keep a sane approach to living. Yet, some people seem to want to be constantly surrounded by others, to the extent that these companions are paid just to be there. We often see this in those circles of newly moneyed individuals who can’t stand being alone for a moment. It appears that their world would cave unto their own backs if this were to be the case. Would it? Very likely so, because that is exactly what they expect to happen. Suicides have taken place when these parasite companions disappear as soon as the funds that kept them bought disappear; in the end, you cannot buy companionship, just an accompaniment. These two concepts are very different; in meaning, scope and reach.

sometimes by choice

When do you feel alone the most? After a failed relationship? Maybe; but not necessarily would this be the worst or lowest lonely moment in someone’s life. In my take, the worst possible moment, the loneliest moment, the scariest moment in someone’s life is when a person looks into a mirror and, in one crucial second, realizes he/she cannot stand the reflection that stares back. And I don’t mean the physical aspect, it is the look that comes across that small space between the person and the mirror, when he/she realizes that his/her life is empty. Not empty because he or she is necessarily alone, but because that mind and/or heart has not allowed anyone else to ever come inside. Because of fear, of the dread of failure, of ending up alone with nothing but “empty” memories, etc… So much so, that in that mind there is more often than not very little understanding of even, "self"; who one is and who one is not.

We all have memories. Some good and loving, some not so good or loving; some are happy and some are sad. Some we wish could be rewritten, knowing it cannot be so. Some we wish had been written and may yet be. In fact, at one point in our lives those histories and stories are what keep us alive and in pursuit of creating new paths to be walked, run or crawled, thus creating new content for the memory banks. Do you know who you are? Can you be alone with yourself and be at peace? These questions are more important than appear to be. They are simple, but far from being able to be simply answered.

sometimes not

In my mind these answers, when honestly expounded, are what actually set aloneness apart from loneliness. If I can be at peace with myself, regardless of the mistakes made along the way, then I can be alone and enjoy being so. If I cannot be at peace with myself, then it would be impossible for me to enjoy my own company, without a lot of extraneous noise around me. Sort of trying to drown out my own complaints to myself. Often, heavy drinking is thought to be a by-product of such a mind state. The person is so unable to deal with his own self, that drinking becomes a way to blot it out. Unfortunately, it doesn’t go away… It is you.

So… what do you think? Can you look into the mirror and honestly say -“I like You!”. If you cannot, don’t despair. Begin by asking yourself “Why?” and try answering with the truth, much as it may hurt. In many cases, you will be able to manage much (no, usually not all, unfortunately) of what is the cause of the dislike, even when it may prove a bit difficult to accomplish; in some cases you will find that more in-depth help is needed. Get it; you are more than worth the effort, always.

In the end, if you manage to understand yourself, whenever you are alone doesn’t necessarily mean that you will be in loneliness, you will be just enjoying your own company. As a wily old fox I knew in another life used to say: -“sometimes, when I want to have an intelligent conversation… I talk to myself”.