This concept,
for a very particular reason, has been in my mind for a while now. How do you emotionally
say goodbye to someone whom you have not seen but once in 56 years?
We
human beings, suffer from a distancing malady (no, not the famous virus
induced “social distancing” so in vogue now) which will --probably as an exercise
in self-defense and survival— slowly erode some of the emotional ties and
memories which we formed over the early years of our life, after we are suddenly
and totally distanced from these. This erosion of older memories opens the way
for us to manage and do our best to live through the encroaching threats of
daily life and helps handle moments of potential trauma.
Yes, we
are human. Trite excuse but true, nonetheless. With all the failures,
successes, foibles and -why not say it?- the downright stupid behavior at which we excel
more often than we’d like to acknowledge. And this last inherent malady takes
several forms, none very flattering when we do eventually look at it in
retrospect. The sad truth is that this behavior usually comes while in the grip
of those unpleasant, blinding and traitorous companions called anger, resentment
and insecurity.
I digress
… as usual
58
years ago, almost to this date (May/’62) I left the island where my whole kaleidoscope
of life had been colored, structured and lived. I never returned. For a good
number of years, I was not allowed to do so by the government of my own birth country,
for I had “left in disgrace”. Then, when this government’s false dignity encountered
real-life issues in the form of desperate economic needs, dignity lost out and
the doors were opened -albeit with in-situ restrictions- to all those who wanted
to come back and re-visit their long lost island home.
And
yes … don’t forget to bring your Visa /Mastercard.
By
this time, the concept of going back to visit had become more and more nebulous.
As the years passed and my own personal life underwent several -sometimes
drastic- changes along the way, the urge or need faded more and more;
eventually, it became a slight possibility and no longer a probability.
Until
in the inevitable end, those who had mattered most, the ones who were present and guiding in that early aspect of life, were gone. If one is a believer and a person of
faith, one can say gone from this physical realm into another one, where earthly
problems and concerns are no more.
And
in the final moments of that inevitable end, there was only one person left
from that early core. But as a result of life’s challenges, rebukes and
unforgiving blows, that mind was no longer there. A brilliant -albeit somewhat
cold- mind that had to deal with those slights of life for a little over nine
decades, always managing to -at least- end each day with what might be called a
manageable draw. That constant pressing fight for survival, however, took a
terrible toll over time. The last years of life saw that mind become lost in a veiled
fog, only allowing for a far away look to a distant past, when living itself was
easier, full of promises and sunlight.
Then,
like it happens when a beautiful candle has burned down to a small, shapeless bit
of wax, the light finally goes out. It is no more.
That
flame went out about four years ago. In the beginning, the at-odds feelings
were confusing. So many years, so many empty spaces, so many misguided and conflicting
feelings. But, today, in the midst of issues which affect us all, I realize the light of this candle was extremely bright and, even from a distance, the warmth
it radiated was felt -albeit unknowingly.
Now I
can say that I admired you and loved you, even if it was in ways that were not
so conventional. You were a pillar of strength, always fighting for those for
whom you felt responsible, often against almost insurmountable odds. You made unselfish
decisions which took the kind of courage that few would even begin to
visualize; a courage and love I did not even recognize or understood then. Only
much later in life did I begin to do so and I’m not sure I would be able to
show that same wisdom and courage if needed to.
So, I
will now say out loud … Good bye and Rest in Peace Mom. I know your spirit is enjoying
that peaceful blessings you very seldom knew in your earthly life.
Know
that your sacrifices were not all in vain … Until we meet again.
Be
Well … Be Back!!!
Final Notes:
· Pray
for those who are
fighting an illness which may take them away from their loved ones… Every
request is heard, and counts!!
