Musings, while at Wally’s Pond

According to the Thesaurus, the word “musings” has several synonyms, all of which have to do with the action or concept of thinking without a definitive direction flow, of letting “things happen”. Apparently, the original home of the “what ifs”.

I must admit this limbo-like mental state is one in which I find myself immersed occasionally. Sometimes by my own choice, sometimes by circumstances’ choice. During these periods I tend to do my most creative thinking; note I do not say “productive” thinking.  Then again, the definition of “productive” is best left to the eyes of the beholder.

These are the times I think about someone like our friend Cheíto, how he would react to a given situation. Then I wonder about what this reaction may, when I put it into his words, say about me and my own thought process. These are the times I allow my mind to roam in the near and far past to re-discover moments that can be shared with you, moments which allow me to live -one more time- the joy and happiness of a long ago experience. Sometimes, however, those occassions and memories that are brought back, are painful “to the touch”. But these are very real as well and they are all an important part of a woven silk cloth, which cannot be easily unraveled.

Today, Easter Sunday, I am sitting at my computer and looking through a small window out to the street. It’s sunny out and there is a lot of green, beautiful spring green that can be seen. On this, my side of the window, there is a large green plant which is living one of its good moments. I look at it, and through it, and can see not a street, but a somewhat diffused Wally’s Pond surrounded by green grass, flowering bushes and fresh budding green trees. That’s where I am right now.

Many thoughts come and go; many curves, mountains, detours and side roads of what is by now a 72-year-long highway, come to pass through these mental portals. It’s like watching a well-preserved old film. Yes, there are creases and crevasses; there is flickering and there is bad color in some parts. But it’s all there. Well, insofar as I remember it all to be. I am sure that some details are now lost in that vast ethereal memory bin which collects all the lost memories; there to be kept and saved for… Whom? Or, What?

The last blog entry which came out of Wally’s Pond, dealt with the concept of obstinacy. Not deeply dealing with it, but as it has affected my life and the life of those around me for these 20 some years. I must admit the piece elicited much response. Some from long time friends who have been there for always, seems like; some from people who make it obvious they do not really understand what it was all about but were curious; and some from a few who simply stated with all the aplomb in the world, that I was a fool. To these last I simply say that, obviously, all fools are entitled to their opinions.

Then, there was a note written by a long-ago friend, from whom I had not heard in almost ten years. He was a sometime companion in the early goings of this long and twisted road. I was able to contact him in Europe (not difficult, his note included a phone number) and we had a good talk. Turns out he remained on this road as well, on a part-time basis, with a small modicum of success. He has married and has a small girl. We shared some long-ago memories and he told me that I was “very brave” in putting these issues on the blog. I am not sure about the “brave” part, since I look at this blog as a sharing experience and almost a catharsis. We agreed there had been very difficult personal moments but also some incredibly uplifting experiences. So, that entry regained for me a contact I thought long lost. That is a good outcome.

And the note from a dear friend who simply told me that “obstinacy” is in the eye of the beholder. A thought with which I totally agree.

Musings from Wally’s Pond… a way for me to communicate with my inner self and its long-ago travelled roads. 

It helps me understand, and deal with, the present in a better, more personal, warm way.

And this is not a bad outcome either.

Be Well … Be Back!!!

Final Notes:

·       Pray for those who are fighting an illness which may take them away from their loved ones… Every request is heard, and counts!!   

·       Any comments please send to rjalcazar@gmail.com

Obstinacy and Persistence.

What is the line between persistence and obstinacy? Looking back, I am not sure I am entitled to answer that question.

After many years of pursuing what may be thought of as an impossible dream, the reality of all that has and has not been done in the course of this process is coming home to roost. At this time of my life, after 54 years of almost non-stop work, there should be rewards accumulated along the way, a means to relax a bit and enjoy the time that is left, alongside those who have stood by me all this time. At least, in most fiction books that would be the ending of the last chapter of most stories like this one.

There have been many times on this twisted road when giving up, when looking elsewhere away from this madness would have been not only the right thing to do, but totally and completely justified. The expressed reasons for not doing this were varied …

·        “The next deal would sure be the one”. This reason should be rated as the dumbest one.

·       “We need just one good deal in order to recover what has been lost, there is no other way of doing it”. Slightly less foolish, a little closer to a weighed truth.

Last, but not least, and perhaps one that may have been an honest concern, was the fact that there had been people who had believed in us and had helped get this undertaking off the ground. I felt morally obligated to do whatever was possible within my abilities and means to at least make them whole. And I say “morally”, because in undertakings where money is concerned there is never an absolute guarantee, especially when there are several parties who are responsible for the results. And when outside and totally unrelated and uncontrollable issues and forces can have a major impact on the proceedings and the potential end, there is an even lesser guarantee.

Perhaps I looked at it wrongly; with a somewhat eschewed point of view. But my feeling and thinking was that I couldn’t just give up, even though my life was being eaten away with all these undertakings, constant pressure, innumerable deceits and dead ends …  I could not accept that several years of very hard, difficult and costly work were destined to end in failure. 

There were many twists, many turns and many soul-searching moments. There were times of hunger with very little to eat, of cold nights without a bed to sleep in; of having to use my mind and my imagination to downplay the reality around me, in order to survive until the next day. I could not be helped from home, for those who were home were the ones who were looking to be helped by me, in order to continue to be. There was little, if any to be shared.

In the end, it took a greater power than I to make me stop. I was back in Miami by then, thanks to a friend I hope to truly repay someday. And was doing what I know how to do well… selling life insurance. Yes, even then I was still fielding phone calls from those who had remained in Europe and were just a few hours from the next grand deal. Most of these I put aside. The few that were listened to were from a couple of close friends with whom I had shared times of want; they deserved to be heard. After all, there are rules in this “brotherhood".

There was the cancer, along with the two hip implants. The last two I had been pushing back for several years. The former? That seemed to come from nowhere. Eventually, the doctor who treated me told me that the constant stress and pressure had a good deal to do with its being set off. It took this one-two punch to get me off the Holy Grail pursuit. After some 4 years of treatments, surgeries and rehab times, I continued my work in the area I had placed my efforts into when I came to North Carolina: to teach ESL to many whose lives I could touch in a positive manner.

Today I continue to teach English as a Second Language (ESL), now through my own services, and I also continue to talk with two of those friends of many years and travails. But now, instead of a roaring all-consuming fire of commitment and pursuit at all costs, there is a candle lit with the more reasonable fire of directed effort and hope.

Persistency? Obstinacy? In the end, no matter what you try to accomplish in life, there must be parts of those two components. Sometimes equal parts, sometimes very unequal parts. Along with a sprinkle of several other “spices” thrown into the mix.

Persistency, being the more reasonable partner in this undertaking, will tell you that although this -whatever it is- can be done, it is a very difficult chore and road to travel. Better think twice and set a limit to what you will do without results.

Obstinacy? This one, having no limits, will tell you that the road is passable and the deed doable; that if you are truly committed and convinced, you can’t give up. That you must continue and attack every possible barrier as if it was the last thing you’d do in this life. And true to demanding form, for several people I have met along this road, this has been exactly the case.

And, yes… choosing to follow this latter road, the costs will invariably become extremely high, even unmanageable.

Is there a negotiable middle between the two? I still don’t know.

Be Well … Be Back!!!

Final Notes:

·       Pray for those who are fighting an illness which may take them away from their loved ones… Every request is heard, and counts!!   

·       Any comments please send to rjalcazar@gmail.com

ARE WE IN MISSISSIPI???

A trip to New Orleans (a favorite city) that comes to mind as a “special occasion” happened sometime in the summer of 1999. I don’t remember the exact month; some of these events have become blurred images in my memory. Yet, I remember the details of the trip, as it became -several years later, and when looking back- an image of much of what was wrong with what became my interests for a good chunk of the years that came immediately after.

This happened during my tenure with -let’s call him- “Ralphie from the Bronx” the guy mentioned elsewhere in these ramblings and who shared an office in lower Manhattan with a friend who dealt in wholesale women underwear. Ralphie had a bank document which had come into his hands and after some unsuccessful attempts to unload it or place it, he was told there was this visiting “Financial Guru” who was sure to be able to help him with this. The catch? He would be staying at an out of the way Mississippi plantation, and only for a week or so. Of course, he would see Ralphie by invitation and appointment only.

The invitation came (No surprises. After playing hard to get, they all came through eventually) but the only catch is that we were in NYC and they in New Orleans. This time, since he was also coming, we (He, my wife and I) flew down to NO where we were booked at the Hilton. I have to say Ralphie was terrified of flying and of going outside of NYC, where he was born, grew up and lived. After a couple of days of waiting around and spending his money, we finally received a mysterious late-night phone call to let us know that a dark green van would pick us up next morning at 6am sharp in order to take us to our meeting with “Mr. Guru”. No questions were asked, and no answers given. Just be ready at 6am.

The van came at the appointed hour, with two bodyguard-like guys in it. My wife stayed back at the hotel, where we’d be back at the end of the day. With some apprehension, since we really didn’t know where this “Guru” was, we got into the van and proceeded to be driven north. Once on the highway, the not very stable box-on-wheels was moving at speeds well north of 90mph creating “some” concern on our part. We drove into what seemed to be the wilderness; no signs of life, just forests and solitary roads. Eventually, after about three hours of rolling north into Mississippi, we turned into a small, well maintained road, which turned out to be a private driveway into a very large estate, consisting of a main house and two smaller houses, all bordering a good size lake.

Following an “appropriate” wait during which we were free to walk around the immediate area of the house, which included a long pier into the lake with a covered look-out point at the end, we were finally brought into the audience with “The Great One”. After some back and forth, it turned out he was just another intermediary (albeit with more money than Ralphie, or I, had) and that the grand looking southern manor had been rented for the occasion. Another dud. No agreements were reached, and we were sent unceremoniously back to NO, where my wife and I stayed an extra 2 days, at Ralphie’s expense.

Little did I know it then, but the events of this day were signaling the beginning of a long, difficult and costly learning process. Two or three years later, when in Zurich and going to similar meetings in rented castles and venues in Austria and Germany, I would remember this day trip into the wilderness of Mississippi. The only difference between the occasions were that the mountainside and countryside in Austria and Germany, were prettier. Although the wilderness of Mississippi was awesome in its own, untamed way. The result of these forays was usually the same; the characters and locations somewhat different, with different accents.

On the one hand, there has been an incredible amount of time and effort wasted on pursuits which could, in concept, easily rival the Holy Grail crusades. With the subsequent financial and personal losses those other crusades also entailed. The positive outcome has been an equally incredible trove of knowledge, travel, cultural understanding, and people met along the way. And perhaps a slightly better understanding of self; who and why.

Is one worth the other? I am not sure about the answer to this question. Perhaps, if I can put that knowledge and understanding to work on my own as well as others’ behalf, then the answer would be yes.

Time will tell.

Be Well … Be Back!!!

Final Notes:

·       Pray for those who are fighting an illness which may take them away from their loved ones… Every request is heard, and counts!!   

·       Any comments please send to rjalcazar@gmail.com