Steel claw in a silk glove.

In life we deal with many issues. Some are run of the mill, some are not, and others fall into that “more difficult to manage” status; often, we don’t really know how to go about dealing with these.

 Thinking about this yesterday, while thinking about a situation that was developing, the title line of this entry came to mind.

- “You must wield a steel claw covered by a silk glove”

It was late 1973 and I, living then in Connecticut, had started working with a young life insurance company out of Miami, as an independent agent. This was the first time I came across a fully prepared (canned, literally) sales process. The government had recently passed a law allowing individuals to purchase a retirement account which could be qualified, just like a pension plan, for deductions of the premiums from the income tax basis. The company had an average product with an outstanding presentation.

We carried around a self-contained machine, which showed a full 18-minute story as to why the viewer should not only rush to get this qualified plan, but gave him/her little choice… My job was to present them with the short movie and, when finished, simply ask two questions…

- “Isn’t this a marvelous idea for your future financial wellbeing?”

And…   

-“would you like to start your own tax deductible savings program with $25, $40 or $50 per month?”

This presentation was so effective, we came to call the closing “the steel claw dressed in silk”. The silk made the presentation warm, soft and non-threatening but, once the “claw” got into you, it simply would not let go.

I thought about this yesterday while mentally going over several issues, and one in particular, which have taken place over the last few weeks. Some were problems and/or consequences that had to be faced, others were emotional issues and no less demanding. In fact, these were easily the more difficult to handle.

The analogy came to me that, as we sail (well, OK, crawl along) through life, we must develop a mindset to manage the more difficult moments and decisions which in many ways is like that steel claw. When dealing with these issues and the people who are involved, there has to be a level of empathy, warmth and understanding. This is the silk cover. Non-threatening, listening, fuzzy warm.

Yet, when the actual “bone of contention” is identified, the mind must act like a steel claw. Clamp on to it and don’t let go, until a resolution is accomplished, or a decision is made. The years lived have taught me many things (I give them that, at the very least, they  have constantly tried to); and understanding that not all have been “good” teachings, those which can help me become a better person well … should be listened to.

A most important one is that when an issue that bears attention comes up, it must be attended. To do this the right way, the mind has to first identify, listen and determine what the cause of the problem may be and, once it’s identified, act like that “steel claw” that will not allow its pray to get away. Whether it is a business or a personal decision, it must be given full attention and resolution.

Will it always bring the desired results? Guess what? ... Sorry, not guaranteed.

And remember; although leaving an issue to solve itself may be a viable solution at times, in more cases than not it will not be the best road to follow. Even this non-action decision requires an evaluation of the true core of the problem and the understanding of the outcome probabilities of “not doing”.

It’s easier to sidestep the tough decisions and we have all, at one time or another,  been guilty of that. It’s just less confrontational to slide through than to face the “enemy at hand” head on. Yet, when we do this, it then tends to become a bigger, more damaging situation and much more difficult to control.

Hence, the silk and steel claw. We can’t get away from making those tough decisions. At least not intentionally. But to be able to make them in the best possible manner, we do have to train ourselves to have as tough as possible a mindset; to be honest with ourselves and to know enough to have a trusted person or persons who can be of help in those occasions when we don’t feel up to the task.

Or when we think or feel we can’t be clear minded and fair because it is a personal decision which may involve ourselves or someone close. Part of that “steel claw” , set on an automatic pilot of sorts, should openly review and question your own mind process on a regular basis as it may analyze issues relating to others. When you can make that happen, then you will know you have as honest a mind as you could possibly have, capable of looking fairly at the issues at hand.

Still … no guarantees!!

Be Well … Be Back!!!

Final Notes:

·       Pray for those who are fighting an illness which may take them away from their loved ones… Every request is heard and counts!!

·       Visit www.englishnow.info

·       www.facebook.com/englishnowclasses   

·       Any comments please send to rjalcazar@gmail.com

From Wally’s Pond; September 2018

I thought about writing this as a purely personal exercise, not to be published. Why? A couple of people I cared about have died recently; this exercise would be sort of a catharsis… Then, I asked myself… “Self, why not publish? What are you afraid of?” I think a probable answer lies in the fact that most people don’t want to talk about the subject of death. It is one of those taboos we as children, especially in the Hispanic culture, are carefully steered away from. Then, we just keep the ignorance-is-bliss attitude into latter life.

I have yet to understand why. After all, death is the end where, when we finally meet, we are all the same. There is no difference between black, white, brown, red, rich or poor. The body in which we have been residing as we would occupy a leased car, ceases to be. From dust we come and to dust we go. Or so it is said.

Is this a depressive, contemplation of death write-up? No, it isn’t. This is more like a generational complaint. Most people are totally unprepared for this event, and it is one that will show itself at our doorsteps a few times in our lives (not including our own, of course, that I expect would only happen once…) and not always when or where we look for it.

I have seen young and older children as well as adults be torn apart when faced with the death of a loved one; to become totally distraught about the fact that they can’t get what they want, which is to bring back that dearest person to life. Is this part of grieving? This is certainly part of the absolute distress felt and expressed. But it could -and should- be somewhat lessened if the individual, whether child or adult, has been prepared for this possibility. Yes, it is a difficult concept for most to understand, but it can be explained in a soft, straightforward manner, and it should be done when the person is still at a younger age as part of their everyday learning, before they are faced with the reality of it at some point. Which they will be.

Going back to the morbid thinking which this entry may evoke for some. Yes, I know… we can’t get away from this appreciation and I do believe this very mind-set is a major contributor to having made this a “forbidden” subject. And such a difficult one to manage when the time comes to do so.

Did you know why medical doctors hate death? Not just because it is their final enemy; it is their nemesis. It is a constant reminder that they are mere human beings who really don’t have all the answers. This, according to several doctors I have met and with whom I had a chance to chat about this issue. Most also believe this transition period would be a much easier process to deal with if the family and friends of the decedent were better prepared to emotionally and practically manage the moment and its aftermath.

What is death?

If your belief system tells you there is nothing beyond this life on earth then, simply put, death is the end of the road. Period. If you believe in reincarnation, then you expect you will have another chance at re-doing whatever it was you did wrong. Only problem is that you are not guaranteed to come back as a human being. So, you may have to wait another cycle before you can atone.

What if you believe that simply there is another realm, a beyond? Then you’d expect to go into that realm, call it heaven, paradise, parallel world, 4^th dimension, spiritual demesnes, the great beyond…

Point is, you are at that point either completely done with life, or you are starting a brand new existence. Regardless of what your choice of beliefs are, you will be gone from your current physical abode. You may be able to delay this transition, but you can’t stop it or hide from it. It is the logical end to our lives as we know it. Besides, with all the issues going on today, who’d want to live on forever?

We seem to be able to teach today’s children about alternate lifestyles and religions; about confronting the govt simply because we don’t like something or someone, about disobeying parents; about their rights, about Uncle Joe coming over tomorrow as Aunt Geraldine and that this is OK; also about the acceptability of just being a life participant instead of striving to be the best…

How about if along with all these, we were to teach our children that death is but a transition for which we prepare along life’s byways with our actions and, when it finally happens, it brings an opportunity to celebrate those very actions which shaped the life of the person; that it is not a mandate to solely focus on feeling distraught about an event that is in truth -and at least to this moment- unstoppable.

Is it possible to “manage emotionally” when faced with the death of a close relative or significant other? Before you say (or think) anything… This is not intended to recommend that at the death of a dear someone, we should all break out in song and dance. That would be ludicrous. Of course there is suffering and, yes, there will be grieving time. We as humans who are left behind need this to fully grasp and deal with the reality of the passing. But again, if we understand and accept beforehand the presence of death as a part of our lives, we will be better prepared for this segment of the process as well when it comes to pass, as it will.

Anytime someone I know dies (sorry, no euphemisms here) my choice is to celebrate his or her life as part of the grieving process. I choose to re-live the wonderful moments of that person’s life, his or her qualities and all that this person brought to me and to those with whom time was shared. Yes, the void is there, but it is soon filled with warm and loving memories rather than distraught and misery. This last  -and I'm not saying it is not real-  is often a way to punish ourselves as penance for all those things we didn’t say, didn’t do and the time we didn’t spend with the person. None of this can be undone by self-inflicted misery.

I am fully convinced the person who has passed on would also have preferred to be remembered, within the grief, in a happier, lighter tone. For this is the way in which this spirit would take, if he/she could, the last and lasting images of those who were loved by him or her. I know I would.

Life is to be lived and enjoyed to the extent of our abilities and possibiities, and at some point leaving this existence is part and parcel of this life. Learn to embrace and share every moment, to the very beautiful end.

Be Well … Be Back!!!

Final Notes:

·       Pray for those who are fighting an illness which may take them away from their loved ones… Every request is heard, and counts!!

·       Follow us on Twitter … @RJAsPandora

·       Visit www.englishnow.info

·       www.facebook.com/englishnowclasses   

·       Any comments please send to rjalcazar@gmail.com

The Delete Button

We all have those moments in life when we may wish to have a built-in “delete” button…

 Let’s face it. Just a few of us are near perfect, right? Yeah, I know… I must humbly accept I am not one of those, even if just missed by a little tiny step… you do realize that I say this to make you feel better, don’t you? Hmmm … I thought I would try to sneak one by while you weren’t paying attention…

Anyway, back to reality and the thread at hand. Where does this come from? you ask… You didn’t ask? Well, let’s believe you did. No, not that I don’t listen to you, just that I can’t hear you right now… This old computer makes too much noise.

A few nights ago, during a class (familiar grounds?) there was an exercise which consisted of three questions to be answered in paragraph form, to be discussed. They all dealt with the concept of “options” and their consequences. One of the questions asked for the student’s opinion about the meaning of the concept represented by the word “option”. Most identified it with the idea of “choices”, which is OK. One came very close to my own interpretation which is that options (choices) can only be made or taken when there are several viable possibilities available. This “plethora of directions” allows you to look and try to second-guess life as to where lies the better road to follow. Need I tell you that sometimes you win and sometimes… well, you don’t. Rarely do you come up even.

The second question was “what was the decision which has most impacted your life”? In a gathering where most are US born participants, the decision identifying process might have taken a longer time. In the class, all are immigrants and the answers were pretty much the same: “coming to the US”. Understandable.

The third question was: “If you could go back in time, which decision would you make differently”? Now we are talking. And thinking. As you can imagine, all that came in the previous paragraphs was a prelude to this part.

But in fact, after a while of discussion, there was no real revelation. Yes, there may be many decisions made along the way which could come under review, and justly so. We all have had those moments which we immediately wished we could have back. And, at times, we are sure that if this could happen, we would make a totally different -almost Solomonic- decision.

The real question is: “would we really”?

The consensus of the group, as well as mine, was that … probably not. Why? you ask… Let’s face it. Any decision we make is influenced by a few things: The circumstances of the time; people involved; emotions; knowledge of the subject meriting a decision; our own reservoir of available experience. Anytime we think about changing a past decision, most of those elements are different than what they were then. It becomes easy to second guess. The reality is that if we were to go back to a specific moment in time, within the same equation elements available then, we would most likely make the same decision.

Besides, as one of the members of the group stated: “If I changed decisions along the way, I would not be who I am today”. Give that man 10 points and a lollypop. That was basically the hidden essence of the question. If anyone of us were able to go back and change a decision important enough to still be remembered, chances are that this person would be a very different individual than what he or she is today. Better?... maybe. Worse? … there is that possibility also.

One of the basic tenets of most eastern religions is that who you are is “sacred” because you are who you are meant to be. At any given point in time. We are but the culmination of all those decisions made along the way, good, bad and indifferent; along with fortuitous happenings which have nothing to do with our will and yet, shape our lives in ways we can’t even imagine at the time. A “Delete” button? Not really necessary.

Enjoy who you are, because you are important. Just as you are. Gandhi put it best: “Whatever you do may be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it”.

Be Well … Be Back!!!

Final Notes:

·       Pray for those who are fighting an illness which may take them away from their loved ones… Every request is heard, and counts!!

·       Visit www.englishnow.info

·       www.facebook.com/englishnowclasses   

·       Any comments please send to rjalcazar@gmail.com