A LONG OVERDUE GOODBYE

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 REFLECTIONS

HOW DO YOU SAY GOODBYE?

How do you say goodbye to someone you have seen only once in more than sixty years?

We suffer from a distancing malady that slowly -probably as an act of self-defense- dissipates old memories to make room for whatever life throws at us next. Survival requires it. The encroaching threats, the shocks, the small and not-so-small traumas… memory filters them, dulls them, hides them. Yes, we are human. A trite excuse, but true, nonetheless.

We carry our mix of failures, successes, foibles, and -why not say it?- the downright foolish behavior we’re capable of when anger, resentment, or insecurity take control.

But, I digress … as usual.

In May of 1962, I left the island-nation where the entire kaleidoscope of the first fifteen years of my life had been colored and shaped. I never returned. At first, I couldn’t. The government that drove us out made sure of that. Later, I was welcomed back -along with my MC/Visa/AMEX, of course.

But by then, the idea of returning had already become nebulous. The people who mattered most, the ones who built the foundation of my early world, were gone. We can hopefully say they had simply moved on to another realm where earthly concerns no longer exist.

In the final stretch of that journey, only one person from that early core remained. But life, with its blows and painful circumstances, had taken its toll. The brilliant -if somewhat cold- mind that had navigated decades of privation, loss, and relentless survival no longer lived in the present. It drifted in a fog, reaching only toward distant memories of a time when life held sunlight and promise.

And then, as happens when a candle slowly burns down to a small, last little bit of wax, the flame finally went out.

In those early years after this passing, my emotions were scattered and contradictory. So many decades. So many empty spaces. So many unresolved feelings. But in the midst of today’s challenges -the ones we all face- I realized something I couldn’t see then: this candle had burned incredibly brightly. Its warmth reached me from afar, even if I did not realize it.

Now I can say, openly and honestly, that I admired and loved you, even if not perhaps in the conventional ways. You were a pillar of strength. You fought for those you felt responsible for, often against impossible odds. You made immense sacrifices that required a kind of courage few can even imagine - courage I certainly did not understand at the time. Only much later did I begin to grasp it.

I am not sure I would be capable of the same.

So, I say it now, out loud, with total conviction, and without hesitation:

Goodbye, and rest in peace, Mom.

I know your spirit is finally enjoying the peace you seldom found in your earthly life.
Your sacrifices were not in vain.
Until we meet again.




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