Friday, August 6, 2010

Of Commitments... II

I am not sure there is a defined end to this post. However, it is better to cut it where it is rather than running the risk of having it become an exercise in self pity. Now THAT would be totally unacceptable. We all  have moments or even periods of time during which we live and deal with a feeling of insufficiency  or insecurity. My best guess is that this and the previous posting are the result of one such period of time, or collection of moments. It's done!! Over and out!


Eventually, we do come that which may be defined as personal commitment to a life partner. This is a whole different story and perhaps the most complex and difficult to even begin to understand. A willingness to commit that is not born of blood, family, creed or reason. Instead it is born from an attraction initially stemming from curiosity, and then blooming into a deeper feeling. It may be explained in many different ways, but a feeling that has never been truly understood. It can strip every shred of acquired intimate personal knowledge and exchange much of it for acceptance of someone else’s ideas and, sometimes, even mores.

Is it real? What is this commitment? Is it born of personal need? Wants? Is it infatuation for another person? It may actually last a lifetime; however, within the last couple of generations or so, it seems this type of commitment is becoming more and more conditional and based on personal convenience and goals. The concept of personal sacrifice is going more and more by the wayside. It is even looked on as “foolish”. In any event, to really have a chance at becoming, it has to be total and complete mutual commitment, coming from both sides of the relationship.

What happens when one side is unable to truly commit? Can the other partner carry on for both? There can be more than one valid reason for the inability to commit. Upbringing, culture and, in many cases, circumstances which may have damaged the “goods” along the way. There is one vital, totally necessary ingredient in order for this commitment to be able to exist: trust. And trust is a highly susceptible emotion (not, it is not reason or logic that creates trust, it is a pure emotional issue) to those circumstances, often not controlled by the person. When it is broken, damaged or lost along the way, especially if this happens more than once, it becomes a very difficult feeling to reconstruct and give unconditionally anew. Without this ingredient, full commitment to another is not possible, for there will always be empty spaces where there should be a continuum. If the other person is willing and able, there will be bridges built over these spaces; life will go on but knowing that the bridges are only constructs and that the empty spaces below are gaps which exist to be avoided. Sooner or later it will tell on the relationship.

Why all this? During these days, being alone and “on vacation”, I have done a lot of inner reflection. I consider my life to be blessed despite the many mistakes made along the way. However, in talking with several who lived through similar issues to those I lived through as a growing child and then as a young adult, there seems to be a continuing thread amongst us: the inability to completely commit. I fully understand the roots of this issue, we lost too much of ourselves before we were ready to understand why; but knowing this, does not make it any easier to repair the damage. It has taken some good people to help patch these holes along the way; and although these patches are worn thin sometimes and the frustration escapes through, the strong reinforcement received over time has managed to help  hold on to the sometimes threadbare connections.

I guess these reflections were brought on by the news of the death of an acquaintance. I could say friend, but this would be a stretch. Nonetheless, it was a kindred soul who shared much of what went on 48 years ago in Cuba and Miami. The news of the death in of itself brought sadness but the fact that this seemed to be a death self inflicted, brought reflection. I believe I have received many blessings along the way; help, counsel -earthly as well as spiritual-, friendship, love and, yes, hurt also. But a normal everyday pain which, in most cases is brought on by our own mistakes. Not everyone has been this lucky.

Once again, decisions made (whether by us or others on our behalf) and roads traveled as a result, bring us to who we are and where we are now.

Enjoy!!  Be Back, Be Well!!!

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