I thought about writing this as a
purely personal exercise, not to be published. Why? A couple of people I cared
about have died recently; this exercise would be sort of a catharsis… Then, I
asked myself… “Self, why not publish? What are you afraid of?” I think a
probable answer lies in the fact that most people don’t want to talk about the
subject of death. It is one of those taboos we as children, especially in the
Hispanic culture, are carefully steered away from. Then, we just keep the
ignorance-is-bliss attitude into latter life.
I have yet to
understand why. After all, death is the end where, when we finally meet, we are
all the same. There is no difference between black, white, brown, red, rich or
poor. The body in which we have been residing as we would occupy a leased car,
ceases to be. From dust we come and to dust we go. Or so it is said.
Is this a depressive,
contemplation of death write-up? No, it isn’t. This is more like a generational
complaint. Most people are totally unprepared for this event, and it is one
that will show itself at our doorsteps a few times in our lives (not including our own, of course, that I
expect would only happen once…) and not always when or where we look for
it.
I have seen young
and older children as well as adults be torn apart when faced with the death of
a loved one; to become totally distraught about the fact that they can’t get
what they want, which is to bring back that dearest person to life. Is this
part of grieving? This is certainly part of the absolute distress felt and expressed.
But it could -and should- be somewhat lessened if the individual, whether child
or adult, has been prepared for this possibility. Yes, it is a difficult
concept for most to understand, but it can be explained in a soft, straightforward
manner, and it should be done when the person is still at a younger age as part
of their everyday learning, before they are faced with the reality of it at
some point. Which they will be.
Going back to the
morbid thinking which this entry may evoke for some. Yes, I know… we can’t get
away from this appreciation and I do believe this very mind-set is a major
contributor to having made this a “forbidden” subject. And such a difficult one
to manage when the time comes to do so.
Did you know why
medical doctors hate death? Not just because it is their final enemy; it is
their nemesis. It is a constant reminder that they are mere human beings who
really don’t have all the answers. This, according to several doctors I have
met and with whom I had a chance to chat about this issue. Most also believe
this transition period would be a much easier process to deal with if the
family and friends of the decedent were better prepared to emotionally and
practically manage the moment and its aftermath.
What is death?
If your belief system tells you there is
nothing beyond this life on earth then, simply put, death is the end of the
road. Period. If you believe in reincarnation, then you expect you will have
another chance at re-doing whatever it was you did wrong. Only problem is that
you are not guaranteed to come back as a human being. So, you may have to wait
another cycle before you can atone.
What if you
believe that simply there is another realm, a beyond? Then you’d expect to go
into that realm, call it heaven, paradise, parallel world, 4th
dimension, spiritual demesnes, the great beyond…
Point is, you are
at that point either completely done with life, or you are starting a brand new
existence. Regardless of what your choice of beliefs are, you will be gone from
your current physical abode. You may be able to delay this transition, but you
can’t stop it or hide from it. It is the logical end to our lives as we know it.
Besides, with all the issues going on today, who’d want to live on forever?
We seem to be
able to teach today’s children about alternate lifestyles and religions; about
confronting the govt simply because we don’t like something or someone, about
disobeying parents; about their rights, about Uncle Joe coming over tomorrow as
Aunt Geraldine and that this is OK; also about the acceptability of just being
a life participant instead of striving to be the best…
How about if along
with all these, we were to teach our children that death is but a transition
for which we prepare along life’s byways with our actions and, when it finally happens,
it brings an opportunity to celebrate those very actions which shaped the life
of the person; that it is not a mandate to solely focus on feeling distraught about
an event that is in truth -and at least to this moment- unstoppable.
Is it possible to
“manage emotionally” when faced with the death of a close relative or
significant other? Before you say (or
think) anything… This is not intended to recommend that at the death of a
dear someone, we should all break out in song and dance. That would be
ludicrous. Of course there is suffering and, yes, there will be grieving time.
We as humans who are left behind need this to fully grasp and deal
with the reality of the passing. But again, if we understand and accept beforehand
the presence of death as a part of our lives, we will be better prepared for
this segment of the process as well when it comes to pass, as it will.
Anytime someone I
know dies (sorry, no euphemisms here)
my choice is to celebrate his or her life as part of the grieving process. I
choose to re-live the wonderful moments of that person’s life, his or her
qualities and all that this person brought to me and to those with whom time
was shared. Yes, the void is there, but it is soon filled with warm and loving
memories rather than distraught and misery. This last -and I'm not saying it is not real- is often a way to punish ourselves as penance for
all those things we didn’t say, didn’t do and the time we didn’t spend with the
person. None of this can be undone by self-inflicted misery.
I am fully convinced
the person who has passed on would also have preferred to be remembered, within the grief, in a
happier, lighter tone. For this is the way in which this spirit would take, if
he/she could, the last and lasting images of those who were loved by him or
her. I know I would.
Life is to be
lived and enjoyed to the extent of our abilities and possibiities, and at some point leaving this existence is part and parcel
of this life. Learn to embrace and share every moment, to the very beautiful end.
Be
Well … Be Back!!!
Final Notes:
· Pray
for those who are
fighting an illness which may take them away from their loved ones… Every
request is heard, and counts!!
· Follow
us on Twitter … @RJAsPandora
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