Today is a sunny and cold day in January… I sit here to write a post and frankly, there are no ideas floating in my headspace or, for that matter, in cyberspace. I look and listen to the sounds around me and these bring no help. I don’t know whether to write about a sometime ago memory from my past, like those memories which were the beginning of these posts, or to write about what is happening in this crazy world of ours …
Hmmm… this attempt at writing a posting began some 8 hours ago and I can’t say it got very far. In fact, it got nowhere…
So, what do you say to exploring an almost forgotten moment (probably an intentional subliminal erasure attempt) … London, spring 2002 or thereabouts. I had been there, stuck, for some three months. And when I say “stuck”, take it at face value. The transaction we had worked on and hoped would come about, failed to materialize like many others in this long, drawn out affair. I had just come out of a long stay in Portugal and was supposed to continue on, to come back home. As we (my wife had come to accompany me back home) were getting ready to leave, a phone call came in and it changed our (my) plans. A transaction we had been working on had come back to life, and someone (and since I was already there…) was needed in London to see it through.
It is easy to look back now and ask the questions that should have been asked then … Really? … Again?... Now? … What are the guarantees? At that moment there were several reasons, not all valid reasons, but reasons nonetheless not to ask these simple questions for, in giving and getting an honest answer, I would have fled; all the work and sacrifices would be shown to have been in vain. Somehow I was not ready for that unveiling just yet.
My wife went on home; I remained ensconced in a small hotel in the Kensington area; this has been talked about before, so it won’t be rehashed here (yes, one of the previous blogs, somewhere, deals with this stay). I will, instead, try to go further into the reasons. This is a topic which 20 or so years later, still bothers me. And, as said before in similar circumstances, writing has a cathartic effect sometimes…
Life is a tough, unforgiving master. It sees all and hides nothing. Nor will it allow one to hide anything under a rug; real or imaginary. Sooner or later, one must face the monster. In this case, said monster being a set of memories.
Wait … it is time to go get a glass of wine. These memories need some mental “grease” to squeeze through…
The decision to stay was pushed by several factors. We had come into this international financial world as “newcomers” a few years back. In the ensuing restrictions and pivotal changes following the 2001 Twin Tower attack in NYC, we lost everything. But there were still commitments we had to meet; from a legal standpoint (as was later supported) we had done all we had set out to do; the losses had been the consequences of events over which we had no control. But, at the time of the “stay in London call”, we were still very much obliged to explore all possibilities to make good on our commitments. And the bridge between myself and the possible solution(s) that might allow us to meet those commitments, was the voice on the other side of the call.
So, a badly thought-out decision was made, and I stayed back “to make things happen.” Except that the supposed other parts in this process did not have the same ideas.
Nothing happened (again) as far as the transaction which was ready to be “retaken and completed”. This left me stranded in London, not a lot of money in my pockets and without a way out. It became a several months stay; I got to know London very well, in a visceral kind of way. No tourist traps in that trip. Thanks to a friend in Canada who was able to send me some funds once in a while, I was able to survive.
That trip collected a very high personal toll. On several levels it was a repeat issue but, this time, it -along with some health issues brought on no doubt by the high level of continued stress- became the catalyst which forced me to begin the long and difficult road of facing the realities of the previous years. The wrong decisions and the cost of it all. Not only financial; the very real cost of having to re-start a personal life, away from all this and accepting that it had been -other than experiences gained- a waste of precious time but, most importantly and sadly, a waste of years in a relationship which had barely started when we embarked in this journey.
Anyhow, a moment in time. Brought to you courtesy of a good 2017 Merlot … and several years of introspection and acceptance…
Be
Well … Be Back!!!
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