Life Goes On…

After the initial shock of finding about the presence of cancer, life somehow went on. Even if the way became a bit rough at times…

I have to admit that when it was finally confirmed that I had cancer, the following events became a slow motion blur. I remember trying to find an anchor where to latch my, it seemed, rapidly sinking rowboat. Up until that moment there was the hope that indeed, the original projections had been a mistake… that all would be OK and that my day to day life would return to its somewhat “humdrum-ic” self. But this was not to be.

There had been difficult moments in my life before those days; others which proved to be much more difficult to handle since then and, I am sure, there will be many more periods of stress in the years to come. But those days immediately following the confirmation of this disease are not easy to pinpoint and dissect. All I remember is that moments blended into one another and not much more than trying to deal with this issue was real to me… The term “surreal” doesn't quite come up to describing the feelings…

I am not someone to fall into “disrepair” easily, or to let depression and despair take hold of my mind and dictate how my life should be. I have to admit those days truly tried this resolve and would almost have driven yours truly into that state of mind, had it not been clear to me that I was not alone; that there was a much larger force which somehow -when I accepted it- took me by the hand and helped me tip toe not through the tulips, but through the very real mental pitfalls of this period.

I was a believer before; I definitely became a very convinced one through this period of illness, treatment and adjustment. There is no way that as a mere human being I could have gone through the process of understanding and acceptance which was so needed in order to be able to go on.

These entries are meant to take me through a time which –up until now- I have not really analyzed. It is not that I have been ignoring it; impossible to do so since there are little daily reminders of the reality of this issue…  for example…tomorrow –as this is written- I have a follow up visit with the Doctor... My 3.5 year visit...

I have spoken with many folk who have battled cancer and other such diseases. For most folk who have undergone an invasive, often terminal illness, and have had the luck to pull through, life’s perspectives change. But this is a change which takes time to set in… In the meantime we (at least I) look back at this period and, while understanding it actually did happen, seem to recall only salient points and moments. Those which helped us deal with the reality that became our lives. For ever…

However, before acceptance and treatment began, there was a long time of rough denial I went through. This was helped along by the fact that there was no insurance and the available funds were … well... non existent. It would be easy to say that from the very moment I was told all was handled well and with a smile. I am not going to be such a cynical person, for this would be far from the truth. I stopped work and went into a long period of feeling down –although for some reason, never out... perhaps this was that Divine force at work already. Without my knowing about it.

My wife and I separated (later we would take up the good fight again…); there had been other very strong negative issues already at work in our marriage. Eventually I found work at a friend’s used car dealership where I worked during the day and stayed at night. Sort of a reluctant watchman. More a running away reaction… This place became my “home” for the better part of three months. A period of deep, honest reflection and of coming “of age” with myself and my feelings.

More later… if you want it…. Thanks for your notes and for coming along with me on this ride…

Be Well … Be Back!!!

Final Notes:

• Pray for those who are fighting an illness which may take them away from their loved ones… Every request is heard, and counts!!
• Follow us on Twitter … @RJAsPandora
• Any comments please send to otherboxp@yahoo.com
• “La Otra Caja de Pandora”… The Spanish language Blog… “otracaja.blogspot.com” … Bienvenidos!!!