Today, Tuesday…

How’s that for a catchy title… tells you how much is on my mind now and how badly it is structured. So, as usual, we go on and see what comes out.

The first thing that comes to mind today is that being Tuesday, it marks one more week from the day of Eric’s death. It seems that reminders are abundant. Then again it would be very difficult to erase a lifetime, not that I would ever do so, or remotely want to. His smile looks up at me from a framed picture every time I go by, and his simple metal ring hangs from my neck, there to be felt at all times. These are, after all, simple physical reminders of a physical presence that is no longer amongst us. What is actually most important, however, is that the true reminders are those which are ensconced in the heart and in the mind, never to be dislodged.

These are much too common thoughts for me and, I suppose, for his sisters and his mother as well. Especially now that we approach the Christmas season … a familial season which this year will have two physically empty spots. One belonging to a grandmother who had lived a full, loving life by the time of her death, and one to her grandson, who did not have the opportunity to do so. Their spirits, however, will be there this year in their physical stead.

The eternal questions, I guess … are those which most of us will ask at one time or another, or will ask at repeated times… especially in moments when feelings and emotions are worn on the shirtsleeves, like at this very  moment… Life and Death? … Physical and ethereal world? … A combination of both? … Or simply, Do we live this life and that is all there is? As the result of a Christian Catholic upbringing I have to say my inclination is towards the fact that, indeed, there is a hereafter … from many experiences along the way, my thoughts are that this is confirmed. There have been too many instances in which unexplainable happenings have taken place; not explainable through normal means and physical surroundings of the moment.  From where do the energies causing these come? I don’t know; my understanding is limited in this area; just the result of some experiences along the way.

Then, there is the selfish side of me; the side which advocates that there truly is a realm beyond that which our limited senses can muster up. This gives me the hope that someday, when my time on this earth is up, there will be the real possibility of being with my son again. Even in a primordial essence of non physical matter, that which we at times call “spirit” or “soul”, for a lack of a better word and, most likely, the lack of a basic understanding of what these are and how they function. If for fleeting moments in an ethereal world where emotions and other measures of our human forms may not be so available or, perhaps, where they are augmented beyond mortal capacity.

No one is prepared to, no matter how tough we have become due to life’s ministrations, bury his or her child as a result of an accident… long before their time should be “up”. In the order of natural living, as many have told me repeatedly over these last few weeks, parents precede children. But then, what is “natural living”?  Is there a real meaning to this deep sounding phrase? or is it just one more of those expressions which have been brought into existence to help us weather the more difficult moments in our lives?  Some of us are very good at making these up, you know… and most of us are very good at repeating them with a serious, deep-in-thought look, as a meaningful mask on our faces … all at the right times, of course.

There is a very good movie, from the early 90’s I believe, called “The Patient”, with Wm. Hurst. It is about a surgeon who becomes a cancer patient and only then  begins to understand the emotional plight of his own patients; also, that every minute counts and “Truth” as truth unto itself, must have priority over “Lie”, no matter how trivial the moment is.

One relatively close confrontation with death is enough to help anyone move into the “truth” side of the ledger. Two confrontations, a final one through a loved person and then in one’s own existence because of an illness, are enough to change and/or modify one’s outlook(s) deeply and completely; often to the detriment of existing relationships. Day to day matters which were important in many instances, cease to be so and priorities are rearranged. In my own case, I believe my time is to be used in creating that which is important to my person and not to others. This may sound somewhat selfish, but in the end we can only love and comfort others if we are at peace with our own feelings and innate emotional needs.

Today, Tuesday… a chain of thoughts brought on by a slowly scarring, very painful memory; one which will take a lifetime to heal but even then, it will only be a superficial scar for the deeper side, the root of the wound, will simply not accept this gentle process of healing. In the realm to which we as human beings are bound, when all is said and done, there is life and there is death … then there is love, a bond stronger than either and which overlaps both.

Be Well … Be Back!!!

Final Notes:

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